Forgiveness

November 22, 2005

God’s forgiveness is so often under-appreciated – not just in general, in the overall literature or teaching of the Christian world, but mainly specifically in my own heart and mind. I’m forgiven, according to the Bible. I know it in my self as well as I can know it. But I think that most of the time, I only know it in my head, and not in my heart. In my head, I know that the Lord’s word says he is “faithful and just, and will forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” And I believe that as well as I can possibly believe it, in my head. I know the justification for that backwards and forwards; I know that in Christ’s death, I get not just forgiveness, but also Jesus’ righteousness and all of his achievements on top of just alleviation of guilt.
But in my heart, I have a lot of problems. I don’t take advantage of his forgiveness when I sin; when I sin, I resign myself to feelings of disgust and worthlessness. I put my tail between my legs; I freeqe in the headlights of the law that I’ve created. And then, as a result, I fall back into the same sins, over and again, because I haven’t taken view of the forgiveness that the Lord gives and then taken steps to put the sin behind me. If the Lord has forgiven me, and if he has put it in the past, then I can put it in the past and begin to put down my struggle completely. But if he has not, or if his forgiveness is somehow conditional, then I must repay, I must be apologetic, I must live in disgust and sorrow for a time in order to pay off my sin.
But how can I pay off my sin? It’s impossible. It’s not a sliding scale; it’s not a loan that I can put a spiritual mortgage on. Sin is still there, and it has to be forgiven, or it will still be there for eternity. So, my feelings of worthlessness and sorrow are mostly an attempt to either pay for my sin by acting really sorry, or just remedy it by running away. I run away by falling back into the sin or escaping to some new pleasure-giving habit or activity. And by doing that, I’m completely disregarding the forgiveness that God says he has already given.
So, when I humanize that, what does it look like? If I had a father who tried to forgive a grievous sin of mine that I had done against him, and I did not fully accept his forgiveness, I know he would be deeply saddened. He would be deeply dismayed that I did not want to take advantage of the closeness that he had offered me in spite of my sin against him. When I think of it in that light, it would be a considerable amount of love that would have to be present in my direction for my father to forgive me and expect nothing in return. So by not fully taking hold of my forgiveness, I am rebuffing the love of my father. What a cold and hurful thing of me to do, and what a great amount of joy I am robbing myself – and my father – of.
Then what if I had a creditor to whom I owed a great deal of money? If he then forgave my debt so that I could pursue greater financial interests, and yet I continued to pay my monthly payments to him as if I was in fact not forgiven, what good would that do? I would be perpetuating a debt that did not exist, and handicapping myself by not taking advantage of that forgiveness. I would be losing money, losing effort, each month, trying to improve a situation that needed no improvement.
Don’t think that in saying this, I’m saying also that there is no place for a righteous sorrow over personal sin. Certainly, Jesus himself said, “blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” He was talking about those who mourn over their sin because of the sadness they know that it causes Christ. If we are truly influenced by Christ, we must be saddened by the things that he is saddened by. This is a spontaneous thing; it propensity toward feeling the same things as the Lord cannot be summoned if it is not there. But I am talking about self-pity and cowardice – the spiritual act of running from the face of God, or avoiding total closeness, because of the shame that our sin has caused us. God offers me a seat at his table, and a place in his life, even though I’ve wronged him. Though I must acknowledge my wrongdoing, I also must take that seat. I must take that place offered to me in the life of God. If I don’t, I’m pushing away his outstretched hand; if I don’t, I’m telling him I need something else to complete my forgiveness. His forgiveness must not be good enough.
What am I doing, calling myself a child of god, and at the same time not taking hold of the forgiveness he’s given me? I am investing in a debt that I do not owe, diminishing my ability to serve him fully, and I’m rebuffing the love that he necessarily has for me, throwing the closeness that he offers back at him because of my silly games of self pity. This is not the same thing as mourning over sin – this is unbiblical avoidance of God because of shame. The closeness that God ffers personally is something that I very rarely experience because of these selfish games, and that’s truly a shame, not because I suddenly know the joy that I am missing, but because I am suddenly aware of how seldom God is truly worshipped in my inmost being. It is only when I take hold of the restored intimacy in the light of his forgiveness that I am truly satisfied with him, and that he is finally fully glorified and worshipped within me.
Praise him. Let my inmost being praise him.