What should I gain?

From a journal entry for 4 February, 2007

What should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer.
But this I know with all my heart-
His wounds have paid my ransom.

What do I deserve? I, who can't even lift myself up out of the paradigms I am locked into as a member of this age. I, who insist on relating to God on my terms, instead of on His. I know that I have trouble believing in revival, just like the next faithless person who adopts the useless gospel of comfort over passion. Why do I find it hard to believe it in the least? Surely, if the calling from the Lord is a reality, then the obvious outworking of that calling would eventually be a revival, both inside God's people, and in the lost community around them. If this is a great God, then why would I not believe in and pray for revival in my city?